life

really am considering if life is even worth living. i've got no one to talk to so just thought i'd write since i've got no where else to go. and when i say that i mean it literally. i've run away from family for my own protection. i've got no friends. no one.

yeah sure i thought i had someone...read my fathers day post...but he turned out to be like every other prick. i should have seen it coming. stupid me for believing otherwise. god i'm an idiot.

there are two websites i've come across that were really good. the first is called a reason http://areason.org/ and the other 50 reasons to live article here

a reason website like you just know they've been there, in your shoes. they know what its like. and thats is refreshing. however, they talk about the pain and how it more than likely isn't from a lifetime of pain but that's not true in my case. for me its been a lifetime of pain. sixteen miserable years here on earth. life sucks!

its interesting how they state suicide is yes the end of the pain but its more than that, its a transference of passing it along to friends and family and loved ones. i've never thought of it that way. well i don't have a friend in the world so no worries there. family well they don't know where i'm at and i could just go as a jane doe and no one would ever know. not like they'd care anyways if i lived or died. we visited that subject a few years ago and those i thought were my friends told me good and that they would be glad if i did die and that they wouldn't come to my funeral. and the fam, well lets just say when they found out i wanted to die it gave them a reason to abuse me that night.

anyways, so the second site, well is one of those that pisses me off to be completely honest. you can tell with their writing that they have something to live for and its like really??? i mean really?! you can tell they have friends and those who care about them. and not only that but they have talents and abilities and trust me i'm not lying when i say i don't. i got the short end of the stick. totally gipped. big time!

but there are a few things on her list i can relate to. like number 3 and 4. 5 would be nice but ain't a happen' for me. 6 is funny. totally relate to 10. yum to 16. and number 32 stopped me in my tracks. can't say i've ever heard that before: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"

interesting. except in my shoes the problem hasn't been temporary. i've been abused since i was born. lucky me. NOT!

life sucks and i just want it all to end. sure i would love to change the world but i've been saying that for years and i cannot even help myself let alone another person.