confusion

like totally life sucks and i really wouldn't care if it were over. but it ain't. at least not at this very moment.

ok, so back to that father figure in my life. i shared a piece of my heart in a way that a 16 year old daughter would to her father - in what i believe to be a healthy way. i shared a side of me that no one has ever seen and he totally just ignored me in this area. totally brushed me aside. it's like really??? i mean really?! totally sucks!

so its all got me questioning...maybe this isn't a part of me. maybe i really am this teen girl with the rough side and attitude and this is who i will always be. yet a part of me was hoping, stretching my hand out hoping for him to grab hold of it and pull me out into the light and into another area of life i've never dared dreamed possible for me.

yet he didn't.

but he did leave me with these words - "You are a treasure. You are valued and you are loved."

whoah!

what?! like me? candi? are you sure you got the right person??? do i believe he meant them...idk...like my dad never once told me he loved me. valued and treasured yeah right! my daddy would never utter those words about another. i'm not even sure he knows they exist or even what they mean. like seriously.

so another person who's only known me a little bit? see why i'm confused? what am i suppose to do with this info?

idk...honestly i like the black and white of life and death. either choose to live or die. but me in this whole living breathing state yet feeling so dead...ugh! gray matter does not work for me candi!