like how does one compare a relationship and the value of it and if its good or not?
like i'm so confused on relationships...like i just don't get them...so confusing!
i'm hearing that my relationship with dad was bad and its like sure it was inappropriate in some ways but at least he spent time with us. yeah it was mostly one sided and about meeting his needs but at least there was time together.
i mean like this week has been bullshit in my life. like seriously! physically healing in which it having visitors would be so appreciative and welcomed but people just come by to say hi and they think it fulfills whatever quota they may have for seeing sick people. its in and out and no quality time spent that's for damn sure! like seriously after this week, i'd rather spend time with dad and our chats and all that over this week in which people are pretending they care. with dad, we knew where we stood. here its all freaking pretending and i'm sick and tired of people pretending they care.
plus the whole birthday thing this week. one birthday wish. pathetic! not only sick and down and out on our bday but no one but a single person even acknowledged the day. so like does that mean there is no significance nor meaning behind the day? i mean like who cares. growing up it was never a big deal nor celebrated so why should i be surprised now? just when you think things have changed and people have grown up...they haven't.
totally sucks!
life sucks!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
confusion
like totally life sucks and i really wouldn't care if it were over. but it ain't. at least not at this very moment.
ok, so back to that father figure in my life. i shared a piece of my heart in a way that a 16 year old daughter would to her father - in what i believe to be a healthy way. i shared a side of me that no one has ever seen and he totally just ignored me in this area. totally brushed me aside. it's like really??? i mean really?! totally sucks!
so its all got me questioning...maybe this isn't a part of me. maybe i really am this teen girl with the rough side and attitude and this is who i will always be. yet a part of me was hoping, stretching my hand out hoping for him to grab hold of it and pull me out into the light and into another area of life i've never dared dreamed possible for me.
yet he didn't.
but he did leave me with these words - "You are a treasure. You are valued and you are loved."
whoah!
what?! like me? candi? are you sure you got the right person??? do i believe he meant them...idk...like my dad never once told me he loved me. valued and treasured yeah right! my daddy would never utter those words about another. i'm not even sure he knows they exist or even what they mean. like seriously.
so another person who's only known me a little bit? see why i'm confused? what am i suppose to do with this info?
idk...honestly i like the black and white of life and death. either choose to live or die. but me in this whole living breathing state yet feeling so dead...ugh! gray matter does not work for me candi!
ok, so back to that father figure in my life. i shared a piece of my heart in a way that a 16 year old daughter would to her father - in what i believe to be a healthy way. i shared a side of me that no one has ever seen and he totally just ignored me in this area. totally brushed me aside. it's like really??? i mean really?! totally sucks!
so its all got me questioning...maybe this isn't a part of me. maybe i really am this teen girl with the rough side and attitude and this is who i will always be. yet a part of me was hoping, stretching my hand out hoping for him to grab hold of it and pull me out into the light and into another area of life i've never dared dreamed possible for me.
yet he didn't.
but he did leave me with these words - "You are a treasure. You are valued and you are loved."
whoah!
what?! like me? candi? are you sure you got the right person??? do i believe he meant them...idk...like my dad never once told me he loved me. valued and treasured yeah right! my daddy would never utter those words about another. i'm not even sure he knows they exist or even what they mean. like seriously.
so another person who's only known me a little bit? see why i'm confused? what am i suppose to do with this info?
idk...honestly i like the black and white of life and death. either choose to live or die. but me in this whole living breathing state yet feeling so dead...ugh! gray matter does not work for me candi!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
life
really am considering if life is even worth living. i've got no one to talk to so just thought i'd write since i've got no where else to go. and when i say that i mean it literally. i've run away from family for my own protection. i've got no friends. no one.
yeah sure i thought i had someone...read my fathers day post...but he turned out to be like every other prick. i should have seen it coming. stupid me for believing otherwise. god i'm an idiot.
there are two websites i've come across that were really good. the first is called a reason http://areason.org/ and the other 50 reasons to live article here
a reason website like you just know they've been there, in your shoes. they know what its like. and thats is refreshing. however, they talk about the pain and how it more than likely isn't from a lifetime of pain but that's not true in my case. for me its been a lifetime of pain. sixteen miserable years here on earth. life sucks!
its interesting how they state suicide is yes the end of the pain but its more than that, its a transference of passing it along to friends and family and loved ones. i've never thought of it that way. well i don't have a friend in the world so no worries there. family well they don't know where i'm at and i could just go as a jane doe and no one would ever know. not like they'd care anyways if i lived or died. we visited that subject a few years ago and those i thought were my friends told me good and that they would be glad if i did die and that they wouldn't come to my funeral. and the fam, well lets just say when they found out i wanted to die it gave them a reason to abuse me that night.
anyways, so the second site, well is one of those that pisses me off to be completely honest. you can tell with their writing that they have something to live for and its like really??? i mean really?! you can tell they have friends and those who care about them. and not only that but they have talents and abilities and trust me i'm not lying when i say i don't. i got the short end of the stick. totally gipped. big time!
but there are a few things on her list i can relate to. like number 3 and 4. 5 would be nice but ain't a happen' for me. 6 is funny. totally relate to 10. yum to 16. and number 32 stopped me in my tracks. can't say i've ever heard that before: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
interesting. except in my shoes the problem hasn't been temporary. i've been abused since i was born. lucky me. NOT!
life sucks and i just want it all to end. sure i would love to change the world but i've been saying that for years and i cannot even help myself let alone another person.
yeah sure i thought i had someone...read my fathers day post...but he turned out to be like every other prick. i should have seen it coming. stupid me for believing otherwise. god i'm an idiot.
there are two websites i've come across that were really good. the first is called a reason http://areason.org/ and the other 50 reasons to live article here
a reason website like you just know they've been there, in your shoes. they know what its like. and thats is refreshing. however, they talk about the pain and how it more than likely isn't from a lifetime of pain but that's not true in my case. for me its been a lifetime of pain. sixteen miserable years here on earth. life sucks!
its interesting how they state suicide is yes the end of the pain but its more than that, its a transference of passing it along to friends and family and loved ones. i've never thought of it that way. well i don't have a friend in the world so no worries there. family well they don't know where i'm at and i could just go as a jane doe and no one would ever know. not like they'd care anyways if i lived or died. we visited that subject a few years ago and those i thought were my friends told me good and that they would be glad if i did die and that they wouldn't come to my funeral. and the fam, well lets just say when they found out i wanted to die it gave them a reason to abuse me that night.
anyways, so the second site, well is one of those that pisses me off to be completely honest. you can tell with their writing that they have something to live for and its like really??? i mean really?! you can tell they have friends and those who care about them. and not only that but they have talents and abilities and trust me i'm not lying when i say i don't. i got the short end of the stick. totally gipped. big time!
but there are a few things on her list i can relate to. like number 3 and 4. 5 would be nice but ain't a happen' for me. 6 is funny. totally relate to 10. yum to 16. and number 32 stopped me in my tracks. can't say i've ever heard that before: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
interesting. except in my shoes the problem hasn't been temporary. i've been abused since i was born. lucky me. NOT!
life sucks and i just want it all to end. sure i would love to change the world but i've been saying that for years and i cannot even help myself let alone another person.
promises
can i just say don't make any promises you can't keep! like seriously! if you give specific details to something you will do then in my eyes that needs to be done. especially if you've gone out of the way to let me know what your intentions are.
reminds me of the song - best of intentions by travis tritt -
it doesn't matter. you can say all you want and it means nothing. so sick and tired of people talking the talk and they don't walk the walk. its bullshit! just don't say anything; i'd rather have the silence than this shit.
just thought i'd look up the word intentions - means a course of action that one intends to follow; significance while promise means a declaration that one will do something specified; a reason to expect something
in my eyes i guess its the bottom line of importance and how really you view me as a person and whether or not i'm worthy of your time and follow through. like i guess i could understand it happening once when promises are broken and intentions left undone but i'm someone in which this continually happens over and over
maybe its me, maybe i'm cursed or perhaps i deserve this. maybe i deserve to be walked all over and treated like a trash bin in which anyone and everyone can release their shit upon.
god it sucks to be me!
reminds me of the song - best of intentions by travis tritt -
it doesn't matter. you can say all you want and it means nothing. so sick and tired of people talking the talk and they don't walk the walk. its bullshit! just don't say anything; i'd rather have the silence than this shit.
just thought i'd look up the word intentions - means a course of action that one intends to follow; significance while promise means a declaration that one will do something specified; a reason to expect something
in my eyes i guess its the bottom line of importance and how really you view me as a person and whether or not i'm worthy of your time and follow through. like i guess i could understand it happening once when promises are broken and intentions left undone but i'm someone in which this continually happens over and over
maybe its me, maybe i'm cursed or perhaps i deserve this. maybe i deserve to be walked all over and treated like a trash bin in which anyone and everyone can release their shit upon.
god it sucks to be me!
Monday, June 17, 2013
fathers day
it's like giving one's heart to another but in a family relationship
father - daughter
ya know, like how you see it in tv and all that
trusting one's heart over is to another is so precious
especially a father/daughter relationship
like isn't that the dream of every little girl? to first given their hearts over to their daddy's and then to a future husband. like isn't it every little girl's dream to have their daddy walk them down the aisle one day?
me? my heart has been trampled upon. and like somewhere i knew that. like deep down i knew things between dad and i weren't right. the conversations and context just didn't feel right. it like wasn't pure. not even sure i know what that word means but...
so now...another man has come who is like a father...and now i feel like i'm trying so hard, wishing upon a star that he would take that role. but i feel i've overstepped the boundaries. i feel i've screwed it up. like i do with everything my hands touch.
and who the hell am i kidding? like seriously! why would another even care to step into those shoes of a surrogate father role? let alone for me. i'm not worth it.
just wanna feel special in another's eyes - and no! i don't mean romantically. but again just that special father/daughter relationship. i just long for it.
it's been a harsh wake up call the last 24 hours. like seeing dad and our relationship wasn't normal. baffling. i just figured that's the way it is with everyone. and to think i longed to go back home yesterday in order to celebrate dad. a man that has hurt me in more ways than one could ever imagine. but aren't ya to honor your father?
so confused.
all i know is that i like being treated like a lady, like a human. like i've never had that. people listening to me like i have something important to say. the opportunity to ask questions - amazing! loving it. feel more like an adult than i've ever had. but yet on the other hand i'm so far from ready to be an adult.
16 sucks!
just wish this man who has now come into my life coulda been my real dad. and its crazy as he's only been in my life a short while but its an integrity i've longed to see in my own father and wished for and wished for and wished for but never got.
but in many ways this man is the one i dreamed up and pretended my dad was. i heightened him. made him up to be this great dad and guy. believed he was my hero - like every girl thinks from their daddy. but mine, i'm now seeing, in reality, wasn't this.
it was all a dream. a fairytale.
sigh, so just perhaps so is this other guy now in my life. and besides he has his own family so why would he want anything to do with me?
i guess i'll just appreciate and be thankful that for now he is someone i can go to and talk to like a girl would seek her daddy for advice and just let it ride as long as the road leads and when it ends...i'm just thankful for the taste of what i truly believe is the real thing of what a father should be like.
so even though its been only a little while, to this guy, you've been more of a father to me in these few short days than my own father ever was my entire life. happy fathers day - i trust my heart to you more than i ever should have, did with my own daddy.
father - daughter
ya know, like how you see it in tv and all that
trusting one's heart over is to another is so precious
especially a father/daughter relationship
like isn't that the dream of every little girl? to first given their hearts over to their daddy's and then to a future husband. like isn't it every little girl's dream to have their daddy walk them down the aisle one day?
me? my heart has been trampled upon. and like somewhere i knew that. like deep down i knew things between dad and i weren't right. the conversations and context just didn't feel right. it like wasn't pure. not even sure i know what that word means but...
so now...another man has come who is like a father...and now i feel like i'm trying so hard, wishing upon a star that he would take that role. but i feel i've overstepped the boundaries. i feel i've screwed it up. like i do with everything my hands touch.
and who the hell am i kidding? like seriously! why would another even care to step into those shoes of a surrogate father role? let alone for me. i'm not worth it.
just wanna feel special in another's eyes - and no! i don't mean romantically. but again just that special father/daughter relationship. i just long for it.
it's been a harsh wake up call the last 24 hours. like seeing dad and our relationship wasn't normal. baffling. i just figured that's the way it is with everyone. and to think i longed to go back home yesterday in order to celebrate dad. a man that has hurt me in more ways than one could ever imagine. but aren't ya to honor your father?
so confused.
all i know is that i like being treated like a lady, like a human. like i've never had that. people listening to me like i have something important to say. the opportunity to ask questions - amazing! loving it. feel more like an adult than i've ever had. but yet on the other hand i'm so far from ready to be an adult.
16 sucks!
just wish this man who has now come into my life coulda been my real dad. and its crazy as he's only been in my life a short while but its an integrity i've longed to see in my own father and wished for and wished for and wished for but never got.
but in many ways this man is the one i dreamed up and pretended my dad was. i heightened him. made him up to be this great dad and guy. believed he was my hero - like every girl thinks from their daddy. but mine, i'm now seeing, in reality, wasn't this.
it was all a dream. a fairytale.
sigh, so just perhaps so is this other guy now in my life. and besides he has his own family so why would he want anything to do with me?
i guess i'll just appreciate and be thankful that for now he is someone i can go to and talk to like a girl would seek her daddy for advice and just let it ride as long as the road leads and when it ends...i'm just thankful for the taste of what i truly believe is the real thing of what a father should be like.
so even though its been only a little while, to this guy, you've been more of a father to me in these few short days than my own father ever was my entire life. happy fathers day - i trust my heart to you more than i ever should have, did with my own daddy.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
over reacting?
So just got some blood work done and we totally over reacted with the results we saw before the doc put her two cents in. She doesn't seem to have any concern over the abnormal results and says we're "fine".
Like that's pretty obvious sign when the numbers are way elevated and yet we are brushed aside like its no big deal.
So what does that mean in all of life? Are we totally over reacting to what happened to us growing up? Making a mountain out of a mole hill???
Like were things really as bad as they seemed?
I mean everyone gets yelled at. And yeah so what if we never heard I love you. No biggie. The name calling, put downs and all that its a part of a teenage life; I mean, right? We are making another big deal out of nothing.
Like what teen doesn't want to live at some point, its typical growing up stuff. Has to be. Then of course there are those other hush hush, fam secrets but really that was all made up. Wasn't it?
Now I don't seem to know if I'm coming or going.
So confused.
Like I'm used to abrasive in the face talk. And its interesting cuz I just had another person do it to me and yet the way he did it was so different than what I'm used to. Like in the past it was all about making me feel small and insignificant and stupid but this time it was different. Hard to put my finger on it exactly but its like I was seen as a human instead of just an object to release vengeance. And not that this person was looking for vengeance just was being blunt and honest...I think. Still questioning his motives but it isn't because I have anything that doesn't line up or feel right but because its my very nature to question where others are coming from. And trust me if you're being nice to me, then right away that is every reason to send out the hound dogs looking for the hidden agenda. No one is ever nice to just be nice. Always looking to get something from me. But eerily, somehow, I don't think that is the way with this guy.
Oh and as I say guy, don' get any wrong ideas. He's older, fatherly type. Sigh, can't imagine there are any like him my age that would have any interest in me.
Like that's pretty obvious sign when the numbers are way elevated and yet we are brushed aside like its no big deal.
So what does that mean in all of life? Are we totally over reacting to what happened to us growing up? Making a mountain out of a mole hill???
Like were things really as bad as they seemed?
I mean everyone gets yelled at. And yeah so what if we never heard I love you. No biggie. The name calling, put downs and all that its a part of a teenage life; I mean, right? We are making another big deal out of nothing.
Like what teen doesn't want to live at some point, its typical growing up stuff. Has to be. Then of course there are those other hush hush, fam secrets but really that was all made up. Wasn't it?
Now I don't seem to know if I'm coming or going.
So confused.
Like I'm used to abrasive in the face talk. And its interesting cuz I just had another person do it to me and yet the way he did it was so different than what I'm used to. Like in the past it was all about making me feel small and insignificant and stupid but this time it was different. Hard to put my finger on it exactly but its like I was seen as a human instead of just an object to release vengeance. And not that this person was looking for vengeance just was being blunt and honest...I think. Still questioning his motives but it isn't because I have anything that doesn't line up or feel right but because its my very nature to question where others are coming from. And trust me if you're being nice to me, then right away that is every reason to send out the hound dogs looking for the hidden agenda. No one is ever nice to just be nice. Always looking to get something from me. But eerily, somehow, I don't think that is the way with this guy.
Oh and as I say guy, don' get any wrong ideas. He's older, fatherly type. Sigh, can't imagine there are any like him my age that would have any interest in me.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
about me
Garth Brooks. Sweet Dreams Series. Boy Meets World. Oh, the great 90's. There are some things I've been able to take away in the time period I grew up in. If nothing else, I can say that there was great creative imaginative works that came out during that time.
I'm way bummed that I cannot get my hands on the Sweet Dreams Series. It is going to take a great search party to track down some of the books. Totally sucks! Like those books were so good for easy reads and just being able to loose yourself in a whole 'nother world.
Garth isn't my only fave country fan but is a great representation of all of that era. Fresh, raw material was being produced and the roots stayed true. Amazing!
I have immersed myself in the first episodes of Boy Meets World and am reliving some good times. The only escape I had from the environment I grew up in. Crazy I could even muster a smirk or a chuckle back then but let me tell ya it was very much needed to well can't say balance out but at least move the scale in a positive direction.
The Matthews family was the ideal home environment and on Friday nights I could relive and transfer myself to a better place. How great it would be if tv life existed.
Sweet 16, a time that should be full of sleepovers and giggles and girlfriends and dances but instead rained with arguments and fights and other crap I'd rather not talk about. Plagued to be swallowed whole in the abyss.
Life needed an escape plan. And trust me, I tried. Failed. Just like I do at everything else in my life.
But at least I was daddy's little girl and had something going for me.
Graduation was only a year away but in my eyes it could be a galaxy away for all I knew. There was no way I could wind up walking across that stage. Not that I wanted to.
Kim and Lynn - never will I forget our conversation at McD's. Yes, I was serious when I said I just wanna live and make it to graduation. That's as far as my sights went. And no further. Pathetic, I know. But its my life.
Either accept me where I'm at or move on. Trust me the majority choose the latter. I'm not worth getting to know or have ANY type of relationship with. You'll save your time and energy so I'll stop you now from wasting it all on me.
I'm way bummed that I cannot get my hands on the Sweet Dreams Series. It is going to take a great search party to track down some of the books. Totally sucks! Like those books were so good for easy reads and just being able to loose yourself in a whole 'nother world.
Garth isn't my only fave country fan but is a great representation of all of that era. Fresh, raw material was being produced and the roots stayed true. Amazing!
I have immersed myself in the first episodes of Boy Meets World and am reliving some good times. The only escape I had from the environment I grew up in. Crazy I could even muster a smirk or a chuckle back then but let me tell ya it was very much needed to well can't say balance out but at least move the scale in a positive direction.
The Matthews family was the ideal home environment and on Friday nights I could relive and transfer myself to a better place. How great it would be if tv life existed.
Sweet 16, a time that should be full of sleepovers and giggles and girlfriends and dances but instead rained with arguments and fights and other crap I'd rather not talk about. Plagued to be swallowed whole in the abyss.
Life needed an escape plan. And trust me, I tried. Failed. Just like I do at everything else in my life.
But at least I was daddy's little girl and had something going for me.
Graduation was only a year away but in my eyes it could be a galaxy away for all I knew. There was no way I could wind up walking across that stage. Not that I wanted to.
Kim and Lynn - never will I forget our conversation at McD's. Yes, I was serious when I said I just wanna live and make it to graduation. That's as far as my sights went. And no further. Pathetic, I know. But its my life.
Either accept me where I'm at or move on. Trust me the majority choose the latter. I'm not worth getting to know or have ANY type of relationship with. You'll save your time and energy so I'll stop you now from wasting it all on me.
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